The Director of Human Resources at MegaCorp does not like humans and spends the duration of her shifts inside the top drawer of a filing cabinet in her office. She employs a really mean twelve-year-old girl to bring anyone who infiltrates her office to tears. The Director was hired to fill her position by its previous occupant, a man who was asked to hire his replacement despite being fired by the company. Their interview consisted of one question: What do you think of people?

Today, an employee from the Department of Research and Development infiltrated The Director of Human Resources’ office. The really mean twelve-year-old girl told him the smiling lobsters on his tie looked stupid. The employee fought the emotional breakdown that rumbled inside his head with an array of non-FDA approved pharmaceuticals. Upon overcoming his psychosis after experiencing the loss of a single teardrop, he put two fingers into his mouth and whistled. A paramilitary team the employee had hired from a private security company stomped into the office, intimidating the really mean twelve-year-old girl with large firearms that were resistant to her insults. The employee removed a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his laboratory coat, unfolded it until it formed a giant check, and handed the check to the man with the biggest gun. Breezing past the twelve-year-old girl, the employee opened The Director’s top drawer of the filing cabinet to find her quivering with fear. “Excuse me, ma’am,” the employee said, “but I was wondering if I can have Friday off so I can take my daughter to the zoo for her birthday.” “No,” The Director of Human Resources said. “I’m sorry, but we are very understaffed this week.” “Thank you anyway,” the employee said, then he closed top drawer and evacuated The Director’s office while the paramilitary team protected him on all sides.

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